How I discovered I fear connection

Even when it’s the thing I want most

Ever have one of those little moments of insight and then the universe proceeds to scream it back at you everywhere you turn?

Hello to my last few months.

In June, I attended a mini wellness retreat for women led by two psychologists. We talked about abundance from both a socio-cultural perspective and a personal one, particularly fears around abundance and what those can stem from.

Responsibility scares me

For me, I realized that I have a fear of responsibility. A history of feeling like I must take everything on and handle everyone else’s emotions has left me scared to pursue relationships – friendships, romantic, or otherwise – that get too deep.

I want love and connection, but I don’t want all-consuming responsibility. For me, the two go together, so my fear has built a wall of boundaries that have gone far past the point of helpful and more into the space of girl-in-a-tower-with-a-moat-filled-with-sharks. No one is getting in.

Throughout the rest of the retreat discussions (and my essential overthinking afterward), it occurred to me that my fear of responsibility is actually one of connection.

“What?!” my brain yelled, aghast that I even had this thought.

“The you who wants to build community, who loves friendship, who YEARNS to be loved and cared for?” it spat at me.

“The you who routinely laughs at fears of intimacy, thinking that it’s bonkers?”

Gulp. “Yep, that me.”